Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
