I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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