my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
