Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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