You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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