And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
