i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
