I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
