i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
