Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
