im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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