I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He? As in you personified your dick?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
