last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
