i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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