I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
