and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Randomize
