member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
and you fell through a lawn chair
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
