just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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