What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I am available for nakedness
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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