Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
