There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
