dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
