Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
