Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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