I wish my penis had an off switch
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
