Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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