just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
