if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
