there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
