My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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