Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Randomize
