i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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