Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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