i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
