He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
