PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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