Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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