im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
