Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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