Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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