no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I fill condoms, not promises.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
