I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
