a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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