his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
