After last night, I could never be a politician.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So squirting runs in the family.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
