can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
