I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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