Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
