So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I FOUND THE LEGS
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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