You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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