@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
