Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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