I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
